How To Become Secure In A Relationship – “If we are safe, the world is at our feet. We can take risks, be creative, and pursue our dreams. ” -Amir Levine, MD and Rachel S.F. Heller, MA, authors of Attachment: The New Science of Senior Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love
Until we realize the priceless gift of securing peace in relationships of any kind that we bring into our daily lives, it may seem impossible to trust what kind of peace is possible.
How To Become Secure In A Relationship
On the flip side, if all we have ever known because of the luck of our growth with safety, loving parents and environment is the life and way of being that allows us to try, explore, and soar, then it is not ‘ t until we meet someone or try to engage with someone who is insecure we know the awesomeness of being secure in a relationship.
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During the height of the pandemic lockdowns, a book published in 2010 hit record sales as those in relationships sought advice on how to strengthen their relationships, those who love a relationship asked how to find and find and build a secure relationship and anywhere else readers. may have fallen on a surprising continuum about relationships has picked up the book Connect.: A new theory of adult attachment and how it can help you find—and keep—love by Dr. Amir Levin and Rachel S.F. Heller.
Without the tools or knowledge to understand what feeling and behavior in a safe way can be, we do our best to navigate the emotions that arise naturally when we are at risk of meeting someone we know and talking about two different people’s lives into one, yet hoping to ensure satisfaction for both. However, if we do not know each other well, do not know how to communicate clearly, yet compassionately and without harm, and our partner does not know each other well or does not communicate well, how do we know what that works for two influential individuals?
The good news for all of us is that having a secure attachment style can be learned. We are not born with or without it. We are taught or modeled different attachment styles in childhood and then through adulthood; the key is to know and understand each one, and to acquire and practice the skills of being Safe. And by finding a partner, becoming a secure adult allows you to understand what appears from those who are determined to enter into a relationship with so that we choose wisdom and participate in a healthy way to put the odds in favor there is a search and a preservation. have a healthy, loving relationship.
“Time and time again, research shows that the best predictor of happiness in a relationship is a secure attachment style.”
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First, it is important to note that you cannot determine just by looking at someone who is safe. Just because someone is friendly, loving and relatable doesn’t mean they are safe. The author refutes the belief that a secure individual can decide on “certainty, tolerance and/or self-reliance. As with other attachment styles, personality or physical characteristics will not give away protections. Secure people fit every description across the human spectrum. “
“(1) They are programmed to expect their partners to be loving and responsive and (2) do not worry too much about losing their partner’s love. (3) They are very confident with their intimacy and closeness and (4) have the ability vain to address their needs and (5) respond to the needs of their partners.”
I picked up the book earlier this fall after reading an article in The New York Times by Foster Kamer. While I have heard of three, technically four different types of attachment styles, I have not explored them deeply enough to fully understand them. Of course, being, feeling and engaging with Secure attachment styles seems to me to be naive, but I know I don’t always fall into that category. . . and I want. For my own well-being, but for all the relationships I am part of, especially intimate, loving relationships, I choose to pick up the book and become a student. Thinking about how to be safe does not seem to me to be a recipe for success, so I chose to be a student, bought the book, and since I read it three times, re-read some parts depending on what I need to more fully understand.
As soon as I read the book I knew that I wanted to bring it to the listeners of the podcast and the readers of the TSLL blog, so today, I will share 13 skills and insights for becoming a secure adult in relationships. By the way, what I share with you today is not the full breadth and depth of what the book details, so I really recommend, if this topic interests you, to pick up the book. Let’s begin.
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~Note to Readers: Be sure to tune in to the audio version as each point listed below is discussed in detail, content not included in the written post.
“Does [planning to talk to a significant other] mean that in order to be happy in our relationship, we have to join our co-worker at the hip or give up other parts of our lives, like our work or our friends? Paradoxically, the opposite is true! It turns out that the ability to enter the world on our own always comes from the knowledge that there is someone next to us that we can trust – this is the “paradox of trust”.
“If you want to take the road to freedom and happiness, find the right person to lean on and travel down the road with that person. Once you understand this, you have understood the importance of attachment theory. “
“Attachment styles are stable but plastic. Knowing your specific attachment profile will help you better understand yourself and guide you in your interactions with others. Normally this will result in more happiness in your relationships. “
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Know yourself. It’s a common refrain here on the TSLL blog and podcast, but the truth is that you need to know where you are now in order to get the correct instructions to get to where you want to be.
Talking to someone is different than talking to someone, and how we talk to someone will determine the ability we need to listen. To speak kindly is to be selfless and to “don’t put your partner on the spot”. Use “I feel” statements or “I need” statements to explain why you want to share what you are sharing.
The practice of effective communication spans all types of relationships and is never too early or too late to begin. Often our goal in communication is to get what we want, but the truth is, we may not get what we want immediately, but at least we will be more clear about who can or cannot be what we need or give us what we need. Therefore, immediate actions from our partner, friend, child or our boss does not mean that they cannot or will not be able to give birth sometimes it takes time to process, to work on logistics, etc., but that it is not effective. and speak your needs with kindness, no one will know them.
“Effective communication is the fastest, most direct way to determine whether your prospective partner will be able to meet your needs.”
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Translated as ‘one partner moves closer while the other steps back in order to maintain a certain distance in the relationship at all times’, with a secure partner you do not step too closely too quickly, simply with readiness and ease of understanding that two people involved feel comfortable moving. There is no rush as the ground is in the self and a secure person is “comfortable with proximity” and is not afraid to step forward once they know themselves and who they are moving towards or someone they want to know well
This is not to say that a secure person knows that it will work, but rather they have a sense of certainty within themselves and that what they give is real and worth exploring.
Distance is created when the two are separated. Again, this type of view speaks to the ability to be comfortable with intimacy once both partners have been vulnerable beyond the bedroom as they get to know each other and are drawn to each other beyond physical chemistry.
Having expressed their needs and truly listening to their partner’s needs, the act of responding rather than withdrawing strengthens trust and an intimate connection.
Parent Child Relationship
Physically and emotionally looking out for your partner is the act of being safe. When we communicate our needs and nurture them as well as notice our partner responds to our needs, we are also expressing and fulfilling ourselves.
“Provide behind-the-scenes support for [your partner’s] efforts.” Allowing your partner to pursue what they are passionate about, helping without taking or taking credit so that their gifts shine is the support of a secure person. As a secure person you are helping because you want to support your partner, however you are protective of your own desires and do not need the spotlight, need
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